July 25, 2018- All live readings are now booked up through September 3rd. If you want to book a phone, in person, or chat reading- it will be after that.
I occasionally have reschedules- currently, I’ve got a small standby list. If you wish to be placed on the stand-by list, ask. If a spot opens up, you will need to pay at time of booking, not time of appointment- as usual.
You can, however, still purchase email reading packages. Scroll further down for those options.
Absolutely nowhere on my site will you find a “For entertainment purposes only” disclaimer. I’m not an entertainer. I am not Christian, I am also not Wiccan. If you come into this with baggage from any particular ideology: you might be just a bit weirded out.
I will not put up with your verbal abuse and orders. If you feel the need to treat anyone that way, you probably need to fall on your ass a few times anyway. Some people say “Don’t treat me like a service worker, because I’m not“- I say: fuck you if you treat them badly, too. I am not in the business of enabling shit-asses and people who just want somebody to tell them what they want to hear.
I will not sell or give away your information. Most of that is because I respect your privacy- but a large part of that is a vehement loathing of marketers and those who’d buy such things.
If you’re looking for something a bit less comprehensive while still useful, pop on over to my Chart Report Page.
I require 100% of my fee at the time of booking.
Do not waste my time trying to get me to convince you to hire me. I don’t need to do that and frankly: either you want it or you do not. I am not a salesperson nor do I care to be nor do I have to be. ALL readings- live, email or otherwise will come with a complete chart report package. You’ll probably have more questions as a result at the time of your appointment- that’s fine.
If you want a reading-
Click this link to pay for and book
IN THE NOTES-
Contact email and phone number
Day/Month/Year/Time and Place of Birth.
I will contact you shortly after with 3 dates and times. Pick one. If you are 15 minutes late to your appointment- I will reschedule at my convenience. Be punctual.
No, you are absolutely not being subtle sliding into my DMs, asking questions. Asking questions about what I can or will do- this is fine. Other than that: don’t act upset if you get a Facebook money request in response.
No, I’m not charging you to ask you for your birth data, or other things of that nature. If I simply respond with a hearty, “Oh fuck no, you shouldn’t do that!” yeah, that doesn’t count, either.
I do not issue refunds in most cases.
If you did not familiarize yourself with my unique style: well, tough shit. I am not a Magic 8 ball, I am not Miss Cleo, and no, I am not someone to turn to for affirmation of your shitty life decisions.
I bring hard truths merged with compassion and I will never, ever use what you want to hear to milk you for more cash. I also do not encourage codependent relationships with my clients in their own lives and I damn sure won’t do it with me: my goal is that you don’t need me.
In any case, I suggest you read a few blog posts before you do your thing. I’m less cup of tea, more mushrooms and moonshine. Got a bit of a weird kick that I am unashamed of.
Parties and Events
I can be booked for parties for $100 per hour plus tips, minimum 2 hours, maximum 5 hours. For these gigs, I do not charge reading rates, so your party-goers will be able to enjoy mini-readings of roughly 15-20 minutes at no cost to them.
For charities and other events, I do not charge at all to ensure that 100% of the proceeds go to the charity itself. I feel that it is my duty to give back to the community in which I reside in this way, so please, do not hesitate to contact me about your events. I can even help you plan your first “Tarot Fair” and may be able to bring on others to help out.
I do, however, reserve the right to refuse in such cases where there are scheduling conflicts or ideological differences in either case.
Warning about paranormal events and for those who think that shit’s cute: I am not a psychic medium. I am just a terribly observant asshole who happens to have some unique skills. And if you had to live with those skills, you’d be a bit of an asshole, too.