Hi, I’m Victoria and I am not a guru.
My Biography Type Thing-
My long strange trip began at age 9 with a bout of meningitis. My “near death experience” as they call it, was not white light. As a matter of fact, it was terrifying, surreal, and would pretty much forever color my perception of so many things. I developed a lot of behavioral issues. I did not understand what had happened to me, I did not understand why I seemed to perceive things so differently than everyone I knew. I couldn’t relate to anyone. I started reading and studying everything I could get my hands on. You name it, I probably studied it, desperately searching for some sort of meaning to it all- because frankly, it just didn’t make sense to me. Why had I heard all these stories of love and light from adults who’d experienced what I had? Why was it that even as a child who’d done absolutely nothing wrong, I had not only had the experience I did- but…brought it with me? I was so fearful and angry- not entirely unconvinced I wasn’t just “born bad”.
I didn’t know what was wrong with me, nor did my parents. I bounced around a lot, relatives, children’s homes, foster care- juvenile detention, and everything in between. Essentially, the options seemed jail, dead, or worse. I checked off every single option. I continued to study and read, which lead to my learning a lot of very interesting things- I started learning yoga in a Boys and Girls’ Town Lockdown Unit and haven’t stopped since. I pretty much voraciously studied anything relating to spirituality, divination, religion, philosophy, magick- you name it, I’d obsess over it with piles of notebooks.
In 2006, I had been struggling for a long time. Struggling to figure out how to use everything I’d learned- and I had learned a lot: learned enough to know that the things I studied I would never master, and that, to me, was a delightful prospect. What was not so delightful was, financially, I was drowning. Student loan debt, couldn’t pay the bills, struggling freelance researcher and writer, desperately trying to support her family and failing.
The Unbreaking Point: Self Centered is NOT a Bad Thing
I lost my shit.
My anxiety had come to the point where I had to eat a handful of ativan just to buy groceries, and even then, odds were I was going to have to pull over and vomit on the way. I was terrified of being in cars, terrified of being around people- my senses would overload. At one point, even loaded up on all manner of anti-anxiety medication, during holiday shopping, I snapped. I was the “Why’s the ambulance at Wal Mart?” incident. I ended up in the hospital.
I didn’t think there was any way I would ever have control of my life. I was wrong. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me- because, in truth, there was nothing wrong with me.
I know, I’m supposed to tell you how in about 2008, I started writing for one of the largest astrology companies in the world. Yeah, well, that didn’t go well. I mean, sure, I did very well and was internationally known, had a huge fan base but then..my ethics got the better of me and I was fired- then, sued. (I won. But whatever.) I’m supposed to tell you how some external THING popped a lightbulb on and made everything just flutter away as I began my ascension into total enlightenment, prosperity and bliss. But that’d be bullshit, and I think you KNOW that it is, each time you see someone say so, don’t you?
Actually, what happened was this: I made the leap from academic to actively utilizing and putting into practice all I’d studied: at that point, over 20 years’ worth.
I have been open and transparent about all of this, good, bad, and ugly- because I care more about people understanding that the processes we go through are ongoing, and that I am no different, not above anyone else. Life still goes on.
The biggest lesson of all and the one I would love to help others learn is that, you don’t have to be like me. You don’t have to be as transparent as I am out for all to see, if you don’t want to. I mean, I think it helps others to not feel so alone and in that it’s beautiful- BUT, you do have to be incredibly, brutally honest with yourself. No matter what it is you’re dealing with, no matter what you want to change- it begins there. But I don’t do it the way I keep seeing others do it, matter of fact, I’m fairly vocal about how screwed up I think that is.
First off, I believe it is remarkably insensitive and irresponsible to act glib about mental health concerns and to positive-gas light people who suffer from them. I know from experience how frustrating it is- and frankly, I would rather hear someone mock me as a loonie tune or similar than to give me one more of those long, sanctimonious screeds about fluffy nonsense INSTANT CUUUURE. I know you are probably the same- you want to dig into spirituality, but you don’t want to hear the bullshit.
And that is why I am here.
Are you tired of feeling like maybe something is broken, because you can’t just change your mindset, change your life- like a switch flipped?
This is because nothing is broken with you- it’s this industry that is broken. An industry that makes you feel like you are somehow a failure because it just doesn’t “come easy” is not a healing industry- it’s a scam. And I hate it.
Astrology as a Pathway To Brutal Self Acceptance, Honesty, and Beyond
Do you feel like stabbing yourself in the eyeball so that you don’t have to read yet another article or blog post that uses astrology to excuse stupid, self destructive or avoidant behaviors?
Are you tired of new age practitioners who treat you as though you are somehow not “up to snuff” because you cannot simply will away your problems? Who act like you’re just not thinking positively enough?
Are you totally over getting caught up in a loop of readers and spiritual counselors who only tell you what you want to hear, or vague nonsense that feels like a fluffy, soothing band-aid- but is ultimately, empty bullshit with NO actionable advice?
If you answered yes to any of those- ditch the New Age and all its fluff and join us in the “old” age: we like it rough.