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A Wild WHAT Up Your Ass?

Yesterday, I did what I do each morning before it gets swamp crotch levels of hot. I went outside, to walk around the yard and have a check on my plants. Often, if I do this before sunrise, I’ll encounter this beautiful barred owl that lives in one of the backyard trees. Yesterday, however, I was in for a bit of a surprise.

Standing in the middle of my driveway was an antelope jackrabbit. I gasped. She just sort of stood there, looking at me and I was looking at her. She meandered on up the drive a bit closer but not too close. I wished like hell I’d had my phone on me, but I didn’t. The reason I wished like hell I had is: we don’t have antelope jackrabbits in Missouri.

Given how brave she was and the fact that, well, we don’t have them here- I assumed this was somebody’s dumped pet. This happens, time to time, various animals. Weirdest one ever was my cat Koleb. In about 2008, I was sitting out on my porch in Wentzville, drawing when up wanders a freaking Geoffrey’s Cat. THE HELL?! He was young, covered in fleas and just a mess. I couldn’t imagine who in the hell would blow money on something like that only to lose it or dump it- but it happens more than you think. I put out notices that I’d found him but no one ever responded.

Anyway, I had my moment with the jackrabbit there- right up until my idiot dog was like RABBIT RABBIT RABBIT! And tried to take a run at her. I stopped him, but he ruined my reverie about Arizona. Shithead.

Rabbit vs. Hare

Once you know the difference between rabbit and hare, it’s really difficult to mistake one for the other.

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Enter Kurt, King of Dad Jokes and Puns

So, I’m telling Kurt the story and he has the look. You can tell he’s just waiting for me to take a breath in my excited babbling. If you don’t know him, you wouldn’t know what he was waiting for. Oh but I did.

So, would you say that you got a wild…hare up your ass? 

I…I KNEW. I KNEW you were going to do that!

Which is it? Is it hair, like you get one of those long stray hairs in your buttcrack or is it hare? 

I, uh…I’m not…I think it’s hare but…you know, I am not entirely sure?

And so, that’s why I am writing this, this morning.

This is actually not a horrible question- and it’s also not one with an obvious answer. In the first place- if you say that you have a wild hare or a wild hair up your ass: you are using what’s known as an idiom. Wherein it becomes colloquialism is in which you say. Because that varies depending on where you are.


Unless you have long hair, which..I can attest both the scenario you imagine and the one that’s real? They both happen. Via Cassandra. 

Of course, if you’ve got a wild heir up your ass, you might just be well on your way to some serious fine dining and gifts. (Oh my god, I went there. I did. If you’re going to write me about how offended you are- Given ‘wild heir’ also refers to a type of horse- I COULDA BEEN EVEN MORE NASTY- and I wouldn’t have been sorry about that, either.)

Though this is debated, most believe that the phrase is a wild hair and most believe this originated sometime in the 50’s and 60’s. You hear it more commonly in the South. You could mean you’re annoyed or you could mean you’re just doing something kinda random, kinda out of nowhere.

One of the first places we see it in print is in a book, published in 1952, called Battle Cry by Leon Uris about WWII. Though many people confuse it or assume you just really mean “wild tear”, it’s not really related to that at all. In fact, if you’ve ever been in the military or close to someone who has: you know, they do say some weird shit. Most people believe the phrase “getting a wild hair up your ass” originally came from soldiers.

That said….


Check the date this came out.

The answer, then is

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4 thoughts on “A Wild WHAT Up Your Ass? Leave a comment

  1. This is too funny. I had to look up antelope jackrabbit because I couldn’t stop picturing a rabbit with horns. They do tend to look more like hares than rabbits, though? I think we only have rabbits in NY. Idk.


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