As you can maybe imagine- Kurt and I both have a lot going on right now. For me, this tends to make me a bit on the anxious side: I am much better about the whole worry wart problem, but, holy shit. It’s been the kinda couple of years that serve up much to be worried over.
I handle things much better than I used to. When I think about the woman who ran off to the woods- versus who I am today: it’s such a strange thing. It’s not that I didn’t have joys before, it’s not that I wasn’t happy, before- but, I can’t really describe what it feels like to actually be comfortable, to actually not fear stability, to…well, hell, simply not be ruled by fear. And the love, the support, the trust and the friendships- again, it’s this wonderful, humbling thing.
I have seen things happen that I would have never, ever in a million years imagined and frankly, wouldn’t want anyone to have to: but, I’ve never quite felt so un-alone as I have these past few years. I can’t really think of a better word. You know how when you feel like your whole world is crashing all around you- and you feel so alone, so lost? That’s not what’s happened. Oh, lost, more than a few times. When Kurt had to be put in a coma, lost is pretty accurate- except, that not being alone made a world of difference. I won’t go down the list of the last two years, but I know how fortunate I am. The gratitude I feel in that is immeasurable. I’ve fallen into more hugs than I can count- a far cry from the woman with the scars who’d flinch away from anything like that.
This week, I thought we’d be in Texas to pick up my son from his grandparents. To say that I have been afraid by the delays and otherwise would be a bit of a vast understatement.
Additionally, Kurt’s mother’s cancer treatment has come to a point of discussing quality of life vs. quantity. He’d put in for the past few days off ahead of time and I don’t have classes until later this week but we have been spending them very differently than we thought.
I am really glad we have been.
I think often you get kind of locked into this survival mode- and granted, Kurt and I had both been doing a lot better about the more negative manifestations of coping with that. Instead, we have been taking some time to think, to talk, to plan. Spending time with each other and Fish, spending time with his mom. It has been wonderful. If you didn’t know this- St. Louis is actually a pretty great place in terms of things to do and see when you really can’t spend a lot of money. Granted, we’ve got that in common: a lot of what we tend to enjoy doesn’t exactly require it.
I think a lot of the things we have been doing, the time we’ve spent and enjoyed have been so enjoyable to me because…they are really reflective of a normalcy that I never thought I’d have.
Granted, it’s us, so there are adventures of a not so normal- I mean, the other night I dozed off while we were visiting Kurt’s mom and woke up to fire alarms and smoke: turns out someone in the next apartment had an accident (No one was hurt, far as I know) and we all had to evacuate to make sure it was safe. I taught Fish how to talk to groundhogs, which…I reckon is decidedly not normal but, still freaking adorable-
We met an awesome new friend while at Jefferson Barracks who absolutely has the same mentality- which…frankly, I was blown away and asking Kurt, “What are the odds that not one, but three people who’ve experienced that kind of near death ‘oh you’ll never’ but do- show up at the same place at the same time? That’s SO FREAKING COOL!”
But you know: our version of normal is a happy one and I dig that.
I think between healing, good friends, a wonderful partnership that continues to strengthen us and this normal being something I enjoy- we can get through quite a bit.