You’ll have to forgive me a second, but I just finished up a job interview- and got the job. I am…defragging slightly at the moment. Completely and totally stoked. Mildly freaked out, because….I haven’t had a normal job in…I don’t know. I went to finish up some stuff for class directly after, knew that was so not happening for at least an hour: and I am okay with that. Hunky dorey, amazingly, absolutely okay.
So, I am listening to very loud music and just fooooosh. Sometimes, you just need to offload some hyper energy before you move along with things.
Look, I ain’t saying I’m normal or anything- but this was something I needed.
I had felt at great odds with my desire to continue to pay bills and actually be able to eat- and certain tuggings of my own ethics and other concerns. It’s hard to explain. Sometimes, you can absolutely love what you do and you cannot stand the way you’re doing it. That was where I was at. But the stress was just unreal. I mean, nothing quite to the level of…getting sued kind of things: but when I said I was no guru, I wasn’t being cheeky. The past few months have been a very bizarre combination of sheer terror, soul searching, confusion, and I really have no idea what I am doing beyond studying anymoooooore paired with this brilliant sense of relief I cannot explain.
I make a better monk than a guru.
I am now a sophomore. I am no longer on academic probation and my GPA is vastly improved. I am pushing through with summer courses because I want to continue that trend- and, after that, I’ll be taking CLEP tests for both time pushing and debt reduction. It’s actually pretty exciting.
But the job thing…man. I had originally planned to get on with a landscaping company or a nursery somewhere- but, this absolutely works. Being able to have the time and energy to be out in my own yard in the dirt’s pretty great, too.
People keep sending me nasty-grams about Stop It, Hippies and here’s a few of the things there: if you couldn’t tell, I was pretty pissed about a personal thing involving that, the day I wrote it. I definitely don’t hate hippies. I also think Kratom, in particular, has tremendous potential for both harm reduction and probably, pain management. I don’t hate it- but the underlying frustration there was that someone I care for very much- who happens to be an addict, who happens to have compromised kidneys and liver function: was being fed a fat line of bullshit there.
Ultimately, his choice to believe that over the papers I’ve got backing the whole “Uh, no, it may not be safe for you and with your addiction issues, recreational use of anything long term is not safe.” but the same person sent me a plethora of texts that were both verifiably false and unfounded. Here’s the thing, you want to lessen the chance of the FDA scheduling something- stop being stupid about it. Don’t stand for it when people are stupid about it. And for the love of all that’s holy: get your head around the fact that underlying conditions and medications you may not know about? The FDA won’t give a flying shit that factored in- and worse, you may be endangering someone. In this case, that’s exactly what was happening.
For reference- people do this all the time with modafinil- something I found to be an all out miracle for my ADHD. I will say that, but I also often point out: it’s not like that for everyone. Additionally if you do not have ADHD but are using it as a smart drug: uh, you still need sleep and proper nutrition- and if you don’t get it, yes, you’re gonna have a bad time. We do not yet fully understand how it works, we don’t know what the long term impact it may have will be- so, no, I’m not running around shrieking about safety. When people ask: I tell them, it’s not without downsides because NOTHING EVER IS.
What I was saying, what I always say is: be responsible. Respect your body, respect the plants and chemicals you ingest. Understand them. If you are saying something that hasn’t undergone a whole mess of testing to verify is completely safe and consequence free- the odds are pretty good, you’re full of shit. If you’re saying it’s completely safe for someone for whom you aren’t fully aware of their medical history: again, full of shit and quite possibly, dangerously so.*
*And you absolutely, 100% do not want me going into my rant about the “trend” in people exploring entheogens. Talk about not even REMOTELY respecting things you should- but, both the physical and spiritual ramifications are a bit on the mindboggling side. I dislike the goo goo eyes when people ask me about my own experiences there. Point being: if you cannot respect it, you probably shouldn’t promote it. I think my next rant is going to be about how the Culture of Consumption has seriously messed up a lot of pretty awesome things. God bless yer little faux Libertine hearts.