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Updates and Out-takes

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About horoscopes and such returning: I’m really not sure, yet. I have honestly been doing a lot of soul searching in terms of how I feel about the whole “new age” thing mostly in terms of how its marketed to people. The dependency that is often willfully fostered deeply bothers me- as does the abject denial of psychological concepts or treatments. There was a rather smug encounter that really didn’t help that along: but, I stand by what I said- it’s hard to imagine “using the power of the mind” when you need to get your mind right. I absolutely believe in that concept, but: seeing people hoist it on others and invalidate their struggles as somehow a failing, pushing them to deny availing themselves of therapy or medications which can help…eeeeh. I know that doesn’t seem to have a whole lot to do with horoscopes: but, I gotta tell you, the encounters I’ve had in respect to that- particularly some of the responses to Astrology, Magic and Psychology both bothered me: and were at times quite thought provoking.

Watching that entire toxic dynamic play out amid a recent sex scandal in the “new age” community at large actually made me sick. I offer no commentary on that specific issue: and this is just updates, so, no rant about the type of culture that makes predation not just a possibility but a probability- we’ll just leave it at: shit is toxic and until people recognize those areas where it is most toxic, you’re going to continue shielding shit behavior. (And I am not talking about allowing for nudity, etc- there are other, deeper issues that need addressing: and consent is just the tip of that iceberg.) People want so badly for this to be about sex or about nudity or about “Oh, the hippie days” and whether or not those things should go by the wayside, but it’s actually not: it’s about inappropriate, toxic and often, unmerited power dynamics that are put into play. These inherently unhealthy “community” relationships that result…well, no shit, sherlock.

But whatever, it’s your bullshit story, you tell it however you like.

As for me: I have joked about “cult leader” shit, but have always been remarkably averse due to the incredible amount of responsibility I know that leadership carries. Pretty clearly, this is not an aversion for many would be leaders- and frankly: I would rather think this shit out and come up with ethical means of utilizing my skillsets as opposed to the easier potluck paganism. I recognize this means I’m not shitting out material regularly and am therefor not seen as an authority- and I’m cool with that. I fail to see the “genius” in touting several published books a year when said books are not a whole lot more than Cliff’s Notes for actual systems: and poorly written ones at that. The proof, as they say, is in the pudding: the trainwreck lives of those who swear by this sort of Magical MLM bullshit’s plenty of pudding. I wonder how much cholesterol is in Snake Oil?

Holy crap, choline!

I’ve been messing around with my stack.

First, I attempted to add ALCAR to it, and to be frank: I wanted to thump everybody in the head. L tyrosine did not smooth that out, and l-theanine took away the aggressive, more or less “I am so annoyed, why is everyone breathing!” feel but left me spacey for the combination. I adore l-theanine in my night-time stack but otherwise…shooo. It’s good for the calm-me-down but not one I can do in the daytime.

So, then I thought maybe it’s a choline issue- and oh, it is. Just not how I thought. Added Alpha GPC and then, not only did I want to thump people for breathing- I had anxiety and brain fog from hell. Tinkering a bit more for a little while and realized: huh, if it helps choline or boosts it in any way- it’s not great for me. I’m familiar with Dave Asprey’s concept of “choline dominance” but, I gotta say, the Braverman Test? Holy shit, ya’ll. Why? That’s hardly an effective diagnostic tool- it’s like a fucking Buzzfeed quiz.

However: when you adjust your stack and literally everything that boosts or helps choline makes you feel like dog shit but those things that leech it make you feel better: yeah, it’s pretty clear choline’s a problem.

I already knew I have to be careful about serotonin: which seems weird as to the inverse relationship between choline and serotonin but without going into the full explanation: makes sense. Back to baseline this week, next week: I’m going to be working Modanifil into the stack to see if that helps. Reason being: I managed to get a handle on the scatter brained, anxiety and executive function bullshit but…as much as many people who don’t actually experience it would love to have this problem: for me, hyper focus is not a goal. My GPA is quite happy for it, but the rest of my life was like “Uh, you have to sometimes switch gears, oh studious one.” If I didn’t have other responsibilities? Oh heck yeah. I’d stop right here, enjoy the ride and graduate vala-freaking-dictorian, no problems.

You can see the pattern of intense study “Oh crap, I need to do something else” in my grades, seriously. Can’t do it. Lifestyle changes I implemented to attempt balancing that failed miserably: If I had my head in my books and an alarm went off alerting me that it was time to switch gears- I simply ignored the alarm to the point my partner would come in and go, “Uh, hey, V. Why the hell is your phone flipping out? Can’t you hear that?”

Huh? Oh. I…uh, Icelandic civil war- I just..what?”

Huh? Have you ever read about the neurochemical aspects of bipolar disor- oh. Oh. Yeah. Uh, I need to..do something. Lemme look at the list.

“Dude! Hey!”

V. Don’t call me dude. You’re reading too many of those biohacker blogs, if you call me bro, we’re gonna have problems.

Oh Oh. Sorry. But, hey, help me out here, does that look like a degree pattern? Here, look at these five charts and Uranu- oh, sorry. Food?”

You get the idea.

I don’t work with stimulant ADHD meds: though, holy shit, you want to talk brilliance. It’s nice that I can sit down and in the space of a week, outline and write out every little thing my brain holds about a given subject- when I was being treated, I actually ghost wrote several books on nutrition, astrology, and counseling for a few clients in about a month. Except..uh, that isn’t the balance I am looking for. In my early 20s, that would have been awesome- now? Not so much. (and it was not a “speed” thing: I slept better than ever and ate like a horse, too. It was an “I have ADHD and OMG, my brain is functioning as it should!” thing. Unfortunately: being honest with your doctors about your addiction problems doesn’t exactly lend to them wanting to dispense legal amphetamine- even if you’re an opiate/oid lover. Thanks, 12 Steppers for the One Size Fits All addiction dogma that lends itself so well to the drug war hysteria.)

Thing is, though: I don’t want that particular class of medication, anyway, but whatever.

Oh, look, more reconstructed memory blocks…

Lately, between intense therapy and self work- my head is starting to put some pieces together and holy shit are they the most random thing. Sorry, no tales of incredible woe: I’m just remembering a lot of random shit.

Except: there’s always some underlying thing they tend to play into, and more recently, the theme involves I guess, a number of events that really built up the imposter syndrome bullshit. Essentially, I journal the stuff out, find the pattern, address the issue. This has gone a long, long way in figuring out what is actually self-destructive and what’s just the brain-pan’s misfiring chemicals: but also, what’s a result of trauma tweaking said brain pan.

Back to Cards- or Waking Up From the Quick and Too Bright Catnap of the Soul

I used to do this as a more or less daily meditative thing- it’s sort of something I started to do to help me with the executive function problem. Unfortunately: it became a way of developing ongoing content which…always bugged the shit out of me. This deck is The Santa Muerte Tarot by Listrani. If they apply too you, they apply to you- if you read tarot and you read a different message for yourself- super. These are my notes, which, after this, I will then go on to flesh out my to do list for today.

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I’m workin’ on my rewrite, that’s right
Gonna change the ending
Throw away the title
And toss it in the trash
Every minute after midnight
All the time I’m spending
Is just for workin’ on my rewrite, that’s right
Gonna turn it into cash

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Bonus- for my travelin’ friend, wherever you may be: because I know you’re dealing with some shit:

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…and now I should probably get out of bed and start my day. For those of you who do not have my number or otherwise: I can sometimes be reached via skype at v.heidr and for those of you who do have my number- of course, you can use it. I get back to people when I can get back to people these days. Usually, when I’m out and about doing this:

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Oh come on, that shit is perfect and you KNOW it. I am probably one of the few PoGo players who looks EXACTLY like her avatar. 

Tomorrow: go back to this post Right HERE and grab your copy of the Gisla Saga and read it if you haven’t. We’re goin’ deep with this shit.

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