I talk an awful lot about the 5 Love Languages when I am counseling people on their relationships with others. There’s a good reason for this. Actually, there are many good reasons. I believe that knowing how you and your partner communicate love is the cornerstone to how present you are in a relationship.
And I believe that being present in a relationship is more vital than anything else. How we are in our day to day interactions with each other, to me, is actually more trust building than anything else. If you ask a bunch different people right now, how they define loyalty: you’re probably going to get answers about where someone’s putting their genitals, how they’re interacting with those of the genders they’re attracted to, and other indicators that our sexuality and our attraction to others holds bearing on loyalty.
This is a fat load of completely over romanticized horse shit.
In the first place, it’s completely natural and normal to be attracted to other people. It’s also completely normal and natural to not be attracted to anyone at all. I could keep going like that, but the fact of the matter is, these things aren’t as black and white as we’d like them to be. Attraction is a very fluid thing and it will vary from person to person. It is not, however, some indication that there’s something wrong with your relationship, your partner, or with you, if your partner- or you happens to be attracted to someone else. You know what it means?
That person you’re attracted to, is attractive to you. End of story.
Of course, what boundaries we have and how we act on them goes into that, should it become a thing and that, again, well, everyone’s different, and frankly, as long as there is an honest and ongoing discussion about it: even with this, you may define loyalty in a completely different way than others do. As long as you and your partners agree on the definition, that’s really all that matters and well, your definition doesn’t get to define it for others. Their definition doesn’t really have any bearing on yours, and so, generally, should be none of your business. It’s really a pretty simple concept that I’ve noticed a lot of people have trouble with.
That doesn’t mean you’re wrong to have insecurities- but, hoisting those insecurities on others, though usually the easiest reaction, is seldom a constructive one. It certainly doesn’t strengthen anything. Being open with your partner or partners, on the other hand, can. Being open about your insecurities and actively working on them is an intelligent way forward. That’s another rant, entirely, though.
Also, understand when I talk about relationships, I tend to be inclusive, but for brevity’s sake: yeah, sometimes I say couple and my gender pronouns are often he and she, but, well, the human condition doesn’t really attach itself to any one gender or relationship dynamic.
So anyway. If you’re not familiar with the 5 Love Languages- which, by the way, I am not affiliated with, I just find incredibly useful, you can go here and take the test to determine what yours is. For me, though I took the test again this morning, I’m pretty well acquainted with me. Anyone who is familiar with the 5 Love Languages probably figured me out in that first paragraph where I said that I believe that our day to day actions have a hell of a lot more sway on loyalty and trust than anything else. Yep. That’s right. I’m an Acts of Service gal, all the way.
Granted, I am not actually averse to receiving gifts. I am averse to gifting for gifting’s sake. This is one of the reasons I think I’m a great gift-giver: because, well, I tend to think tokens like that are meant to show thought and feeling, meant to be…the physical representation of an Act of Service. I like making people happy. More than that, though, I believe that it can create a positive feedback loop when you put all those things I ranked so highly in, into motion.
The thing is, not everyone’s numbers are the same and so, the idea behind all of this is that you can figure out how you show love, you can figure out how they show love and you can, presumably, avoid confusion. You can also determine this by looking at someone’s chart.
For instance, you look at mine and I have got a Virgo North Node. It is also in the 11th house, and it’s in Virgo and it’s conjunct Saturn in Retrograde. Oh, and well, my Venus squares said Saturn in retrograde.
I am literally made of Acts of Service. Or, am I?
Some astrologers would say I am caught up in a karmic loop that has gone on since time began, and they’d say an awful lot of neato, pretentious shit that I usually express as soul so old it’s going senile. Then there’s that Jupiter retrograde shiiiiit. The thing is, when we’re talking about love and relationships, that Virgo North Node conjuncting that fucking Saturn retrograde is HELLO BIG ASS CONTRADICTION. Except, it’s also kinda not.
Only, I wouldn’t be the subject of the song, so much, here. Okay, maybe a little.
Morsus es delectatio, indeed. Don’t even get me going on that hot mess of Pluto in my chart. While I am waxing pretentious as all get out, my chart reads pretty clearly: The Fury and the Burn That is Holy Fire.
Sacrifice is the name of my game, and well, while I said “don’t even get me started”- Pluto is conjunct my ascendant and it is in the 12th house and Mars, Mars, Mars. Oh, honey. You think you’re weird? When I say that I do not judge, it’s sort of a downplayed version of the fact that, yes, actually. I do. I just don’t judge on the shallow, surface level shit most find so appealing. Momma’s a psycho….pomp. I have had more than one astrologer take a look at my chart, look at me and go, “Oh. THAT’s why you’re The Dark Fool.”
Of course, the point of all this ranting isn’t to tell you what a kinky, naughty little bastard I am. But, well, as long as we’re illustrating with Type O Negative songs, if I were looking at my chart, for a potential partner, my advice would be to run. Run fast, run far, do not look back, do not pass go, do not collect $200. (And most of my exes would agree and yet, somehow they stick around- and oh, it’s all in the same place.) Why? Because, while some might look at me and think that having someone who gives on these levels is a beautiful thing: I expect the same and it fucks me up when that doesn’t happen. For me, mutual and all consuming love is the ultimate Act of Service and yet, that Saturn retrograde tells us that should a person offer it, I may just cut them off, completely and without warning. Well, it could be that tattoo on my chest is the warning, but you’d have to know what you’re looking at, I guess.
Going back to Acts of Service as it ties to that North Node in Virgo- my Acts of Service seem so unselfish. They seem so caring. Until you realize, you are reading the words of someone who went through the process of donating a kidney to a stranger on the internet. The only reason I couldn’t? I’m diabetic and they wouldn’t let me.
I’m not telling you this to brag, I’m telling you this because for me, even the most deep act of service is very much a selfish act on my part. I am controlling. I am domineering. I have learned, through a lot of hurt that those things are fucked up and horrible, but I have only found two cures for it.
For those closest to me, this tends to create a problem as those small, day to day acts of service just become sort of expected, because, well, this is just how Victoria is.
A few years ago, one of my oldest and closest friends and I were out drinking. I can’t remember how on earth we got on the topic, but, these things tend to happen when I have had a bit too much- the philosopher just starts exploding out of me. In between tequila shots, she looks me in the eye and says, “Victoria, when you say you would die for me, that doesn’t mean shit. You would die for anyone. If you said you’d live for me, now, that’d mean something!”
It really stuck with me, and still resonates to this day, for many, many reasons.
If you take it back to Acts of Service and look at it: those who are very big on acts of service also tend to be completely baffled by those who aren’t. That’s not special to Acts of Service people, anyone with a dominance in the other love languages may have this problem: and that’s where the hitch in your giddyup often occurs.
Now, if it seems as though I am focusing an awful lot on one side of the relationship, that’s because, you have to. Many clients seem a bit taken aback when they come to me for compatibility reports or even that little cosmic sneak peak at a potential new flame, because, well, I spend a great deal of time focusing on their chart.
There’s a reason for this and the reason being, know thyself.
Ultimately, you’re the one who’ll be your undoing in any relationship, and you are where it begins, it ends, what feeds it and what starves it.
Whether that’s justifiable or not, depends wholly on the mutual interaction: but ultimately, your fate is in your hands, regardless of whatever situation you happen to be in- and really, no matter what it is you might find in an astrological chart, a psychological profile, or whatever label you may want to throw at yourself: knowing yourself is the first place, it’s the beginning, and, you go from there to further examine, grow, and make better choices as you go. Which…is why all that smarmy sort of “Look at my chart” above was the example I used. How easy would it be for me, to use those things to sort of excuse my shitty behavior?
But, that wouldn’t make me happy and it wouldn’t lead to a healthier relationship between my partner and I. However, once you take things beyond knowing yourself, you tend to work on using what you know. Or, well, stall out at knowing yourself, using what you know to excuse the more damaging aspects of yourself and whatever- but, I don’t recommend that.
I’ll probably continue rambling on this a bit more at a later time.
Art credit for the featured image: this is an untitled piece by Zdislaw Beksinski.