This is one of those blog posts I make, knowing full well those who deeply need to read it, simply will not. Kinda sad, but whatever. After the past week, I am about half into not giving a shit, anyway. It’s not as though I have avoided discussing these things: believe me. Over and over and over and over and over. Well, this week I finally stopped talking about it. I promised it’d happen, I tried to avoid it, but now it’s starting and anyone who imagine that it’s not the first domino in a chain is nuts. I just needed to begin. Around this time I also had an offer that, though not possible- really conveyed a faith in me from someone I deeply respect. I thought, “Well…if he can see it, why can’t I?”
Pluto’s in retrograde- and for those that don’t care about such things, well, you may want to skip this. For those who do- the marketing hype surrounding Mercury Retrograde makes me chortle. Because Mercury Retrograde has absolutely nothing on Pluto. Or Saturn, for that matter.
I can pretty easily sum up for you what Pluto retrograde is:
…actually, I couldn’t find that photo with Lady Death just rending the shit out of everything, with the little “Change it- or I WILL change it” but, in looking for a photo that would do, I ran across an astrologer I wasn’t familiar with and her write up is absolutely perfect. I couldn’t put it better than this, really. Well…I could put it pretty good, but there’d be a lot more swearing. Anyway, check out Suzi’s blog about Pluto retrograde and Sun in Taurus. If you’re into this stuff, you won’t be sorry. This is great. I love it when this happens.
You don’t really have to believe in astrology to know how important it is to re-invent yourself and if you have known me longer than a month, odds are pretty good that you realize I do this very regularly. It’s not so much re-inventing, I’m trying to find my place. I wasn’t happy with my life and I’m just not going to stop adapting and changing until I am. It isn’t that I am never happy, as some have suggested, but rather: I don’t see why I should settle. I really just don’t. It’s less a haughty “Why I deeeeeserve better!” and more a “I am capable of doing better and there’s no reason for me to believe I can’t” thing. I see the good in the world, I see the good in me, and I feel like it can certainly flow as long as you are willing to adapt, and, well, to allow your good to help others’ good and so on. Shying away from the more negative things isn’t my way of healing them, and avoidance isn’t “promoting positive energy”. That’s a side rant, and one a lot of people have asked me to make- and I swear that I will. (ie: lightworkers who do nothing but heal their own pocketbooks, and those who, in the name of “positive!” avoid anything resembling actually USING their gifts)
For now, though, I am sitting here, working on a few things, listening to the rain and thinking of the absolutely frustrating past couple of weeks, wherein I realized: 1. Some of my boundaries were not clearly defined. 2. The ones that were, just seemed an “optional” and 3. My avoiding some of the tougher subjects in my life, trying to keep my personal life free of conflict was in essence, me shooting myself and all my plans in the foot.
I’ve been coming to this point for a while now. I have gone with the flow to the point that the flow has taken me to a life I don’t know, for the most part. It sure as hell isn’t mine- and yet, it is. It totally is. I made it this way by allowing it and enabling it, in many cases.
I found myself struggling with money. I still am. Juggling the budget for this house and all in it, essentially on my income alone has been hard. It’s not only been hard, it’s been a complete disappointment in many cases. I won’t go into the situations- but, going into this, I accepted I’d have to make sacrifices. This is what you do, when you are responsible for others: it ain’t all shits and giggles. I was not, however, prepared to deal with many of the respect issues I’d encounter. I think that’s the vaguest way I can put this while still getting the point across.
Well, this last incident just tore it and, as this week has gone on, continued to tear it. I had to make a very difficult and scary decision: I had to write out landlady and explain the troubles we’d been having. Now, I had been given all sorts of suggestions ranging from being an asshole to just avoiding it entirely and bailing- and none of those things sat very well with me. Instead, I went with what felt right: I was just very honest. I knew there was a good chance that we’d have to move, so, in addition to being very honest, I began to work on Plan B: which was making a budget, looking for properties that cost a lot less, and in general, doing what I do.
As it turns out, this was the correct path and here, now, because she’s awesome and because of my honesty: we have come up with a solution that benefits us all. Sort of renewed a bit of my faith in the fact that this can happen. That people can in fact, consider actual compromises in the name of the greater good- and this sounds goofy but it meant the world to me. Because of this, I no longer have to struggle to keep up and still get behind, so, in essence: it’s a new start. One I do not intend to waste. (For those who often tell me not to shy away from asking for help: I could use some. Dunno exactly what, but I’ve got an awful lot of things I need to get squared away and straightened out.)
What really sucks is that many of the things that supposedly made me “so cool” are the things that I know have got to go. I went along with so much in the name of acceptance that I forgot to accept myself. I found that I was sort of lapsing on into martyr territory: and that ended this week. I am not sorry to see it go: and more than that, I won’t be sorry to see anyone who feels I should just suck it up, eat shit, or continue to play that role go, either.
The biggest thing I have learned this year, in trying to adapt, trying to take care of things, and shouldering so much more than I ever should have had to?
I can do quite a lot more on my own than I ever thought I could, and I am not afraid of that, anymore.
I think the most pathetic and startling thing of all of this was recognizing that a couple of people who should have cared enough to do so, have no idea who I am, nor care to get to. Because if they did, I wouldn’t have seen the situations I had. Or maybe I would have, I don’t know. Maybe people are just sometimes assholes no matter what you do. That’s okay. Go be assholes elsewhere.