I went digging back through my archives and the post that comes closest to the date one year ago is where I am talking about how I am Unperfect.
So, there isn’t really a lot of detail in there, but right around that time I was doing the Unicef Below the Line thing and also putting together The Fish’s crib. Which has since become a sort of place to keep laundry and stuffed animals. (And linking to that, I made these dorky noises which annoyed him as he is over here trying to nurse while I write. But, but, he looks so tiny there…)
I have a lot of things I need to get done today, and being very honest: as I sit here I know that I will be fighting tooth and nail nearly every step of the way. It was an odd juxtaposition of things, I guess, all coming together, opening my eyes a bit more, but I realized rather recently that:
1. I really, honestly cannot help anyone who will not help themselves
2. Some of those people are going to be people I adore
and the worst of all
3. To continue to imagine that I can is going to mean putting my own life on hold in ways that hurt me.
It’s sort of amazing how wrong people get compromise, particularly, those of us who do try to be fair. Sometimes, you cannot nor should you compromise- and sometimes, people are just straight up wrong.
I think we are more or less taught that it’s no longer okay to say that- it’s no longer okay to say “Hey, you know what? That’s the stupidest shit I have ever heard and you’re not living your heart and soul- you are a selfish bastard. So, maybe you ARE living your heart and soul, but, um…”
Because there is a WORLD of difference in self-compassion and being a selfish bastard. If there is no accountability….guess which one you are?
I have been trying to decide if I wanted to write about this or not. I am not sure still how I feel about it. I was worrying about some things- bills, as usual, how I would get everything together, and something was said that just baffled my damn mind. I mean, truly, to the point I blurted out “Priorities, what?!” because it was all that I could get my brain to form a word around.
Ultimately, I just said fuck it and figured it out as best I could because this is what I always do. Then this morning, I wake up and see something, and it hit me again.
In the past year, I have not really gotten to do the things I love. All I have gotten to do was scrape together some semblance of “hang on, shit’s bumpy as hell!” and continue to try to move forward. It’s not nearly as Satre-esque as perhaps it has been in the past: but at one point this past two weeks I not only found myself confronted by those three points together like a ball peen hammer to the head- but, I also recognized that people will convince themselves of anything if it gets them out of introspection sometimes.
I am sort of envious of that level of self-obliviousness, to be frank.
Here’s the thing- I know exactly what I want, I know exactly what I need. I used to think that it wasn’t important to know, that you know- that, well, things fall together. They do. But if you are someone who knows what you want and need finding yourself surrounded by people who don’t: it’s not falling together, it’s YOU putting it all together, because nobody else knows what the hell they’re doing.
Only thing is, when you attempt to do so, they resent it.
Make some sense of this for me, because I can’t right now.
About the only thing I know for a fact is that those 3 things up there bit me on my ass and now, it’s time to change.