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Satisfries and Other “Healthy Options”

Reading the news with my morning coffee, I ran across a big new sensation.

Burger King Rolls Out New Low Fat Satisfries™

I’ve long held that the moment you see the words low fat, or other health buzzwords- well, it translates to: chemical shitstorm. (I can’t think of who said that. Who said that? Someone credit that person.)

Or, as my friend Shane Ellison says, “Eat Shit, Not Crap.” This was a play on a book titled: Eat This Not That! For Kids! by Men’s Health editor, David Zinczenko.

In case you didn’t know this about me: I am a super huge nutrition nerd. Ask me anything. If I don’t know, I will very happily be off on my way, researching it down to the small hairs. I LOVE nutrition, but more than that I love the intricate ballet that is our bodies’ way of making use of the foods we eat, the way we move, and everything else.

See this guy?

Hippocrates, Father Of Medicine and BAMF.
Hippocrates, Father Of Medicine and BAMF.

People quote the man all the time. What quote do they use? This one:

Hippo quote

And I believe that is very true.
I’m also pretty sure given much of the other quotes we have: he’s rolling in his grave in respect to modern medicine.
But anyway.

I may not adhere to everything I know to be true of nutrition- and I’ll be the first to admit that. I’m no guru, I try very hard, but I’ve got a few vices here and there. More than once, I’m sure I’ve grossed out some of my harder core nutrition and healthy eating friends. And I smoke. Dear lord. Who am I to talk about health?!

Welp, the one without a stick up her butt, that’s who. That, and though I do have my vices, I have educated myself extensively not only on what they are doing to me, but I also understand precisely why I need to stop. I’m just not there, yet. I’ll get there, though. I mention this because whenever I post something like this, someone always points that stuff out as though:

1. I don’t know that I do these things. Thanks for the update, buddy!
2. I don’t know what I am doing to myself. Again, thanks. But no thanks.

I am, however, someone that can look at the nutrition and ingredient information, and before I even open this PDF, can tell you that this promotion is probably a fat load of bull. So can you.

First, let’s have a look at these Satisfries™, shall we?

Scrolling, scrolling- first thought is, “WHOAH at the fat content of the salads. THE FREAKING SALADS.

Here we are. The fries. Click it, you can see the side by side in unobscured black and white, without the holding BK fries up to McDonalds’ fries- which, let’s face it, is pretty much like saying, “Hey, look, my hot dog is healthier than that turd.” Well, duh.


Well, yes, when compared to McDonalds’ fries these new “healthy” fries are better. But, not by much compared to their OWN fries. Additionally, I’m sort of questioning the new, special “formula” here. What’s different about them?

Again, not much.

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