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Stop Fapping to TEOTWAWKI, Already…

SHTF, TEOTWAWKI (Did I get that right? It really feels like that second T should not be there, even though “the” is in there.), I’m trying to come up with the other ones but one of the dogs has caught the call of the wild and is howling to beat the man right now. It’s making me laugh, much like this entire debate. This is where I pee in a whole lot of GMO laden cheerios.

Okay, first and foremost, I have this theory that there are several types of people who believe that shit is going down hill in a mighty way. In saying this, I fully acknowledge that there are differing types. See? Diversity, I love it. Sure. Not all of them are insane- as a matter of fact, I am quite privileged to know many who are not. (Just because I mention certain aspects does not mean all who are into said aspects fit these descriptors, sweet baby jeebus, please, put down the pitchfork. You’re not gonna use it anyway.)

The first I’m going to talk about is the “I’m A Rational But Not Really I’m Just Saying It So You Think I’m Different” prepper. This one, repeatedly insists that they are in fact, not beating off with or to a copy of Guns n Ammo,  building a snow fort out of canned goods and absolutely getting consumerist boners over varying water purification systems. She may in fact repeatedly go on and on about how it’s prepared, not scared or whatever- all while also regurgitating each and every little scrap of fear-propaganda she can. Or he. Uh, I totally had NO ONE in particular in mind with this.

It’s all good, I understand, I get a mean boob-boner every time I see some cool stuff done ala MacGuyver myself. I think I’ve mentioned that, as well as the fact that I am anything but rational, as well. Welcome, bretheren and sisteren, come out of your irrational closet. These are not, however, the fun kind of irrational.

That’s it. I’m just listing.

The next, is the Bugnuts Insane Screaming End Times Preacher. I don’t think I need to tell you about this one. They insist they are not afraid, yet pee their pants and go all War-Machine. Yet, they can’t seem to decide if it’s the Muslims or the Israelis they should be most afraid-but-I-ain’t -afraid of.  Why don’t you guys just admit that pretty much anything  Middle East scares the piss out of you and leave it at that? Personally, I think you’ve been played. Mostly because I am the …

Uh, hey, you guys, I saw the price of Little Debbie’s go from .99 a box to 2.99 a box in a really short time frame, then realized it’s chock fulla poison but still eat them anyway- though I will readily admit to often digging up great home-made recipes, making them once or twice because, actually, yes, it does feel good knowing exactly what’s in my food types. I add a dash of, “Um, you know, it occurs to me that there’s a shitpile of resources people want in these places we’re being groomed to hate and fear”, holy shitballs, what the hell happened to the Constitution and why is our nation acting like a bunch of robotoids dependent on whatever- maybe we ought to look into that, maybe we ought to learn some skills and pull away a little and work towards pulling all the way out, because I am pretty sure at this point, you may as well wipe your ass with the letters to your representatives and if I have to sit through another Eat Shit or Crap election “choice” I may well vomit out of my ears- prepper.  I think that’s it. I can probably add more to it if I think about it. Do I think we’re in for some shit? Yeah, I do. But I also think we are IN some shit, right here and now. Doesn’t take much to look around, see that, see that there comes a time for duck and cover- and we’re probably there. If we’re not, well, it isn’t like learning  and doing any of this stuff hurts anything, apart from maybe my credibility when I’m ranting.

If nothing else, it’s not like you can deny there’s some manky crap in the food, and we’re getting charged more and more for said manky crap, so trimming your budget by becoming self-sustaining at least in that capacity isn’t a bad idea. Living simply is hard work, though, and it’s NOT for whiners- believe me, I know, I am a whiner-in-whiner rehab. I have to kick my own ass repeatedly, which is why yoga comes in handy.  The point of it for me, is being able to DO, not just say. And I am seeing a whole lot of people who say using the fear and anger rhetoric and really amping up the bullshit. Kinda takes the peace out of simplicity, doesn’t it?

Then, we’ve got…the new breed. The hybrids. God love these shits. Every fad diet and outrage imaginable. And all at considerable expense- behind nearly every one of these things is someone selling SOMETHING. I’ve got some bad news for you sunshine- you’ve been had, too. I’ve seen this one cycle and recycle- today’s hybrid is tomorrow’s confession of some mental illness, complete with apologetics and medications- which they will then, in fact, take up as their new cause of the week. I speak from experience- you become a rage addict and watch where you end up, couple years down the line.  Even if you don’t end up penning some shit about your nervous breakdown and not understanding why you’re just so angry and depressed all the time- that one doesn’t lead anywhere good. The hybrids might be talking still yet, about Ralph Nader. You guys, I loved Nader- back when I was 15 and he was still somewhere in his early centennial years. If he ever did get the presidency, it’ be like Weekend At Bernie’s- with Bernie Sanders just barely propping the guy up. Seriously. Maybe they could get some of Bob Dole’s meds. That might help. (Truth be told, I love Bernie Sanders. I do.)

We’ve also got the I Once Cared…but now though I will rant every now and again about the Constitution and the Government- I am doing absolutely doodly squat. Everyone thinks I am, but in reality, I’m just so darned charismatic that, well, yes, I see things are going bad but- hey, hey wait, why are you singing Cat Stevens Wild World to me? What do you mean? You mean all my Ron Paul Posturing hasn’t convinced you of my infinite usefulness? What about the edgy way I try to tell people to think for themselves then roll around in it like a dog on stink whenever people LIKE OMG TOTALLY AGREE WITH ME BLINDLY? Well, okay, when it all falls down, how about I bring my hoarde of frothing fanpeople to h- they don’t…do…anything but nod and repost?

Mmhmm, because they’re the other sort you see talking about this-  Yeah, sorry, no, all of your experience with Call of Duty isn’t going to amount to a hill of beans in any kind of survival or revolutionary scenario, and well, hitting “like” and “share” isn’t either. Moreover, it’s transparent as window glass and you’re both full of shit and stupid. On the off chance you would be willing to risk your family- you’d do so and promptly dump your drawers when the Feds come knocking. And everyone knows this. That charismatic Ron Paul Posturing Guy? He knows this. That is why you never see HIM talking about prying the gun out of his cold dead hands. Oh, sure, he’ll fire off a quip here and there, but ultimately, if shit does hit the fan- he’s probably not going to be the one to lead you to glory. Because he didn’t get his hands dirty, he didn’t learn, and he didn’t work at it. He may have fifteen cases of expired spam and Wolf brand chili that will give you the runs, leading to your inevitable demise due to lack of adequate potable water- but he’ll also have a bunch of lovely fliers to use as fire starters. And no fire wood. (Again, please don’t think I am ragging on Ron Paul supporters or even Wolf Brand chili. Actually, go ahead and think that about the chili, you’d be right. But, the intelligent Paul supporters know who I’m talking about. They want That Guy out of the club.)

Now, there’s a point to all of this apart from seeing just how potty mouthed and derisive I can be. (Again, please note I mocked myself harder than anyone else, always do. Not that it justifies being a meanie mcmeanerson- but hell, I’m kind of tired of worrying about who I will offend this week.)

The point is: anything that any homesteader or prepper blog has for you is probably pretty useful information regardless of what kind of person sits behind the keyboard typing it. Learning to be self sufficient is an awesome, empowering thing and living that life is something I personally believe very firmly we should all strive for. I believe in a lot of things, but what I do not believe in is this weird, twisty undercurrent of Let’s All Be Good and Pissed It Masks How Terrified We Are.  I don’t believe in the cottage industry springing up around these concepts that is still yet, more consumerist bullshit corporate shilling. And it is.

The common thread in any of these things is that there’s also this tremendous amount of parroting ideals along with information. Well, you cannot parrot an ideal. That’s the big problem. An ideal, a passion, a belief- that’s something that comes from within you, something you came to conclude based on the information you, yourself have obtained. You won’t find it splattered in a meme, though that might point you in a good direction for further research. You won’t prove it by “likes” or “shares”.

You prove it by getting your hands dirty and your brain filled- but filled with stuff that will actually one day prove useful. Not a bunch of terrified speculation. Not a bunch of rage porn. Sure, I get it, you can go into both, and a lot of people do- hey, fine by me if you want to be pissed off all the time. I dip a toe in every now and again myself. The thing is, though- as long as you’re constantly pissed off, you’re not open to the amazing things you might actually be able or even already doing. And they are amazing, they are empowering and these are good things.

Just don’t let the bad ones eat your brains- because they will and no matter what you believe is happening, or is on the way, the last thing you need is to have your brains eaten.

You’ll miss out on the best part of the zombie apocalypse that way!

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